Nightmares and Dreams

So, my 2nd worst nightmare has come true. Judah is dead. That was scenario #1. Done and done. 2nd worst…forgetting. No one talks about him. We don’t have many pictures up. His room is gone. His things are in boxes in closets. It’s such a clean break. He was here and now he’s not. Maya won’t tell people she has a brother. Kali always does. People we meet now have no clue about him. They just think we have the girls. They have no clue how our son has shaped our lives. They have no clue we had a son. I remember meeting Kali’s teacher at the first parent teacher conference and some how things came up and she said we could always try for a boy. I remember there was a pause. My husband and I felt it–for sure. She had no clue. And I didn’t want to start crying, so I let it go. I wasn’t mad at her, but it’s tremendously hard to wake up each morning with a dead kid on your heart. She didn’t know. It’s just the way it is when you only have 2 of your 3 children physically present.

I have no idea how this will shake out with the girls. I know in my heart, that there is very little they remember about him. I don’t blame them, I can’t remember either. I had to take various meds to get to this point in my life, so that I am happy and obese-healthy and not require medication. It took lots of meds, talking and just plain desire to be ‘normal’ again. Desire to be normal. I want to be normal. I don’t want these girls to think I am completely off my rocker. I am slightly cra-cra (as the girls say), but what mother isn’t. I dream the girls will set goals, achieve them and be happy. We can’t stop what will happen in our lives. Cause and effect. We can hope to make the best choices. I hope they choose to remember their brother. Judah loved them and they loved him and that I will never forget.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s